confused

thats life.

so when was the last time I wrote in this thing?
never? yeah thats what I thought.

the last thing I wrote about was wanting to go to prom, that seems so trivial now. I did endup going to prom. senior prom& it was a good time. but thats so far from my mind at the moment.

I always have these deep thinking moments on the way to& from new jersey. the state that I love, I dont know what it is about it,everyone laughts & claim its the armpit of america,& although some parts are not very nice, the good parts I love.

I want a range rover someday.

so my anticipation for this vacation was high. I was excited, I love nj, & its always a great time. this was for my grandpas 90th, how could it not be a good time with my family there& all. well I was wrong. horribly wrong.

lets first start out by saying that my grandfather, aka poppy. is 89. his birthday is on the 90th. ever since my grandma died a year& a half ago, hes been going down hill fast. it began with simple things of being weak, tired, sad, depressed. they were married for 57 years, her not being there is certianly a drastic change. so after being depressed, hes now gone down hill so far that hes on constant oxygen flow, needs a walker/wheel chair at all times, and cant be left alone or else he gets anxious.

whats happened?!!?

I cannot stand to see him this way, it kills me everyday. hes not the man I've grown up with, hes going back to being a baby. hes uses diapers, he needs all his special comforts, & he wakes up multiple times during the night. seeing as I was sharing a room with him this weekend I woke up 2/3 times every night. I love him & I dont mind that much but he is being very unbrave about this. Everyone has always known that their time would come someday. its back to the lionking circle of life bit that I thought about when my grandmother died. She decided that as soon as she could no longer walk& function properly. nor did she have any chance of getting better, she was just going to die. she almost willed herself to do so! It was a shock to the family yes, but it wasent exactly torture.

Poppy is scared. he dosent want to die, he dosent want to lose his mind, and he is such an optimist that he believes hes going to get better & move back to florida. we all humor him by saying yes, what would be the point of depressing him, but we all know the truth. we went down to NJ mostly for him to see the family again, could it really be his last time?

I dont know perhaps im looking at this all too seriously. he could be a long way from death, and hes not going to die next week or anything, but things that I had never seen before are now showing their ugly heads.

he asked me how I enjoyed school this morning. he gets confused now, something he never did, even jst a month ago! he signed his name on matthews card "great uncle danny" when he knows that hes always been poppy, our grandfather.

the worst of all of this is that I dont just stand idly by, I get sad& mad at it. I cannot fathom why hes doing this, I know its not his fault but my mother nor myself can help getting veryvery angry at him even over little things. such as this morning I brought him cookies to dip in his coffee, on the same plate was fruit for myself. I went to get something else at the buffet & he ate my fruit. I got very very angry. so much so taht I stormed out of the dining room & sulked in the lobby! what is WRONG with me. I really dont know anymore. I think it was just being stuck in such an environment for 4 days 24/7. I feel awful for my mother, who gets it all the time, no wonder shes losing it.Yesterday she noticed that something was weird, and tried to bribe me into being happier by buying me a 375$ dress. I made her return it, but I mean shes just trying to help. & I understand that.

this weekend froze into sharp notice that here I am, living my summer life basically carefree, but my grandfather is deteriorating before my eyes. & there is nothing I can do to stop it.


after all of this, I just needed & still do need to get away from my house. out all day with people. but thats very unfair to my mother still. I suppose england will be a good break for the both of us, although there is a nagging point in both our minds that it may not work out, just like the cruise didnt. I really hope this dosent happen....


well there is the ranting of my weekend.
so far from what I expected,
& so far from what I wanted.


lifes not too fair eh?
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    Cartel
snow

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Everyone is talking about Prom.

prompromprompromprom.
I'm a sophmore. FILL ME IN ON THE EXCITEMENT GUYS.


mmm tennis is good.
dad is shitty.
hangout with me more.
snow

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MORE PICTURES.
from Arielles camera this time.

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mm other then that this week had kind of sucked!
Im not suppose to be online...
but tennis is okay.
hopefully.
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    Keane
snow

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whats going on in my life?

classes are incredibly easy. It's mostly a joke.
Basketball is good. & Tennis is soon.
I really want a parking pass.
Valentines Day aka singles awareness day is next week.
This weekend is going to be good.
as is next weekend :).
the cruise is right after that.

I'm trying to avoid drama for the most part.
so I'm staying away from boys & bitch girls.

yeah nothing changes.
work& more work.
5-9 today.
but I think im quitting there in 3 weeks, so uhh if you know a place that is heiring that doesnt SUCK. inform me.



ohh & the other day, I was in a really good mood after school. so good that I decided to throw my car keys up into the air. and I "forgot" to catch them.

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  • Current Music
    Mood Rings.
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lets l0llerskate: OMG YOU GUYS ARE SO LAME

well I havent posted in forever.
& pictures were taken, so here we are.



FINALS ARE OVER.
I'm fine on all, except maybe spanish.
I don't even care right now though.
Poppy moved back in with us.
New semester starts & I have classes with people.
Algebra2,English, History & Gym/Chorus.
sup 3rd lunch.
February is going to be a great month, I can just tell.
& we kick it off with Stowe Vermont for 3 days, just skiing & snowboarding
with 3 of my best friends.
Then Cruise with Arielle during vacation.
Im glad to be in good moods again:).
I haven't laughed as hard as I did today in a LONG time.

&happy birthday to Adriana!


today Bari, Nora & I went to friendlys & hungout after school.
DA NA NA THRILLERRRR!


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    HotHotHeat.
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so its almost thursday.
monday I had work which was a big improvement to last week and then found out that Geri died saturday night in a car accident. Its really a scary thought, I mean we JUST talked to her on saturday.
life is incredibly fragile. for the most part I block that out.
tuesday Adriana& I went and got our haircut!
Today I was the condom model in health & then we had the chorus concert, then wendys with Arielle.
Tomorrow is getting Kelci an Xmas tree? I've never gotten one before so I guess it'll be interesting.
Friday afterschool is FREEDOM! & nothing going on.
Saturday is work 8-2, then nothing.
Sunday is nothing.
Monday - Wendsday is Loon/STOWE!!!
Thursday-Whenever school starts is all blank.

sooo uh yeah. FREE/BORING break unless people fill stuff in!

we took the beast to school today...
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    Anberlin